Realization

This week was VBS.  Johanna was on the youth group mission team.  The mission team spent the night in the church.  They served at VBS in the morning and then did local missions in the afternoon/evening.  They went to church members homes to shower at night.  I was in charge of crafts.

One morning Vicky came up and said (I am sure a bad paraphrase based on my memory.) “I just love Johanna.  She was at my house to shower.  I told the girls that I did not clean up just for them and that they should not put their clothes on the couch unless they did not mind dog hair because the dog lays on the couch when I am at work.  He is a German Shedder.  Johanna picked a huge hair off of the couch and was showing me.  One of the other girls told her it was not polite.  I told her it would not offend me…..”  The conversation went on about some other things Johanna said or did and then meandered on to the other girls and how she loves them too (She teaches them on Wednesday night).  She said you could tell I had really taken time to teach them how to behave and such. 

The whole time I kept apologizing and making excuses for things she told me about the girls.  I pondered the whole conversation all day long.  This morning in the shower I had a huge realization.  I am sure many of you who know me well will not be surprised by what I realized because Ron kind of gave me the “duh” look when I told him.

Realization-  I am really hard on myself.  I saw the reason that I have such a hard time taking compliments is because all I hear is how I have failed at something or not done my best or something that I need to work on.  Vicky was telling me how she loved Johanna’s curiosity and bluntness and all I heard was that I had not taught her how to be tactful and when to keep her thoughts to herself.  I have been overwhelmed today in the quiet moments how often I do this.  I apologize or make excuses when people give compliments about the girls or me.  I also realized that I play down compliments; I try to make the thing I am being complimented for seem less than it is, that it was nothing special or that anyone could do it.  Or sadly sometimes I just pretend that I do not hear them. 

I often struggle with being able to see the good in me, the good that God has made in me.  I know there are parts of me that have been transformed by Him and made good or a least better than they were but I struggle to see them.  All I see is the flaws, the shortcomings, the screw-ups, and the just plain bad.  I see how much work is yet to be done on me by Him.  Ah, yes!  It goes back to those stupid perfectionistic tendencies.  Not that I ever think I will be perfect this side of glory because I know that is just a lie from the evil one.  Oh Lord God help me to myself as you see me.  A fallen child being perfected in your time.